As I sit, I cry, today is a dark day, I am in my deepest spiritual chasm of my life, I feel as though I am at the bottom of a very dark well and when I Look up I can see the light at the entrance and the world passing by, all sounds are muffled and I seem a million miles away from my usual being.
Personal loss envelops me, I replay the events in my mind like a silent movie, they flash before my eyes as they brim with salty tears that eventually fall onto my cheeks as if they are trying to carry away the pain.
The fact is I lost a life, a spirit, a baby, it wasn’t planned and I wasn’t even aware of it until it was too late, you see this had been a pregnancy labelled ectopic and wasn’t detected until the pain struck, I was rushed for surgery and with a couple of hours I had experienced all the emotions possible.
I had been instantly protective of the blossoming life inside me even though I knew it couldn’t be sustained, I could see the future of this tiny life mapped out, as having two children already I knew what pleasures lay in store for this tiny angel but I felt angry, I knew they were never to come to fruition, guilt wrapped its fingers around me, I had been drinking and had taken medication, how long I had been incubating this life, I had shown no physical signs everything had been clockwork, more or less, should I have picked up on my tiredness and irritability, what about the nausea, I should have known, I should have known, after all I been through it before. How could I not have known? … I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…
I curl up and hold myself, sensibly I know there is no point in the what ifs, its happened and I need to move on, its gone and so has part of me but I so want it back. I glance at the flowers all lilac and pink in hues and know she was a girl, how do I know that? I just do, and Angel is her name because even though se has never walked this earth as a physical being she has danced all over my soul and she is as real as the living spirits that fill this house.
Goodbye, Angel, god rest I will never leave you behind and forget you but I must move on, you will always have a special place within me, love mummy x and I hope tomorrow will be brighter…