As I sit...

As I sit, I cry, today is a dark day, I am in my deepest spiritual chasm of my life, I feel as though I am at the bottom of a very dark well and when I Look up I can see the light at the entrance and the world passing by, all sounds are muffled and I seem a million miles away from my usual being.
Personal loss envelops me, I replay the events in my mind like a silent movie, they flash before my eyes as they brim with salty tears that eventually fall onto my cheeks as if they are trying to carry away the pain.
The fact is I lost a life, a spirit, a baby, it wasn’t planned and I wasn’t even aware of it until it was too late, you see this had been a pregnancy labelled ectopic and wasn’t detected until the pain struck, I was rushed for surgery and with a couple of hours I had experienced all the emotions possible.
I had been instantly protective of the blossoming life inside me even though I knew it couldn’t be sustained, I could see the future of this tiny life mapped out, as having two children already I knew what pleasures lay in store for this tiny angel but I felt angry, I knew they were never to come to fruition, guilt wrapped its fingers around me, I had been drinking and had taken medication, how long I had been incubating this life, I had shown no physical signs everything had been clockwork, more or less, should I have picked up on my tiredness and irritability, what about the nausea, I should have known, I should have known, after all I been through it before. How could I not have known? … I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…
I curl up and hold myself, sensibly I know there is no point in the what ifs, its happened and I need to move on, its gone and so has part of me but I so want it back. I glance at the flowers all lilac and pink in hues and know she was a girl, how do I know that? I just do, and Angel is her name because even though se has never walked this earth as a physical being she has danced all over my soul and she is as real as the living spirits that fill this house.
Goodbye, Angel, god rest I will never leave you behind and forget you but I must move on, you will always have a special place within me, love mummy x and I hope tomorrow will be brighter…

As I sit I question whether we all destined to find a life partner or are some of us left in the search for our missing piece? It’s a question many of us ask but a question that few can answer honestly.
I have often wondered if there is someone for everyone out there, I mean, after all I that is what I was always told a s a child and I have been lucky enough to find my soul mate but before we found each other I was single and I didn’t feel like I had to search for a missing piece, in fact I felt as much a whole person as I do now so perhaps the feeling of looking for that missing piece is not linked to finding a life partner or a soul mate but actually about finding yourself.
How many people can actually say they have taken a step back, had time out or hidden away so they could spend time with their self and get to know the personality that we all masquerade as what we want to show to other people, I know there are far too many people who parade themselves as a certain entity that is so far removed from the person that is hidden beneath therefore we should all be asking ourselves if we would want to find our soul mate in this situation, no, the answer is probably not because you would be falling for a stranger and vice versa , it would not be fair to deny yourself or them access to the wonderful soul that only surfaces when you are alone or caught off guard and yet those moments can feel so precious and real as we find ourselves feeling relaxed and at ease with ourselves, those are the moments when we access the real us and it is a shame that we don’t allow time for this in our hectic lives and I don’t mean a few moments when we sit and take a break I mean we should allow ourselves weeks, months or however long it takes to realise your true life partner inside of you.
As you spend the time you will find yourselves on the biggest learning curve you will ever experience, you will find new likes, dislikes and discover pleasures and pathways that you never thought applied to the person you so often paraded as the real you, only when you have travelled a way on this journey and I cant tell you how far or long this will be because once you have started it never really ends but there becomes a point where the real you is whole enough to look for someone to accompany you on the remainder of the journey, meaning that your soul mate does not become the missing piece of you but the complimentary piece and only then can you truly move on with your life knowing that if you will never be scared of not being part of a couple because you always be, you will always have yourself to carry on the journey with and that should never be thing to be afraid of…

As I sit…

reading the glossy magazine I have purchased earlier today I wonder and then realise why we feel the need to reach perfection in our lives, relationships and work and why we assume that a relationship which is only harmonious 90 per cent of the time and a house that is never fully finished must be a sure sign of failure. It is because that in today’s societies too much is expected of us, everywhere we look there is perfection, from the billboard images with perfect bodies displaying perfect cosmetics to the commercials showing perfect houses with their glistening perfect interiors to these glossy magazines with their couples gazing deliriously at one another, who apparently never communicate a crossed word between them.
Now these things wouldn’t bother me if they were simply there for our entertainment and for us too use for our amusement, because us, the real people, know that life isn’t actually like that but unfortunately these images do bother me, these images and ideals that are projected around our society are promoted as the way we ought to be living our lives and that these objects of desire must become our one and only goal in life, we must strive for the beautiful material objects and the outwardly looking perfect relationship and apparently we can have it all , its easy, our houses should look like this and our bodies should look like that and god forbid if they don’t because there is no excuse, sadly we have fallen into the trap of thinking that anything less then perfect is a failure, yes failure, what happened to anything less than perfect being normal? perfection is few and far between, it is what we all strive for and never actually reach, we should be proud of that, we should be proud that we would rather spend our time living our lives than worrying about reaching this visual perfection so that others out there may put us on a pedestal and compliment our gleaming kitchens, our showroom lounges, our cleanly scrubbed and pressed children and our fairytale relationships, who needs the hassle, who cares if you argued last night and this morning, who cares if the oven needs cleaning and if there’s and inch of dust on the mantelpiece, who cares? trust me we all need to put the brakes on this phenomenon of worrying about not reaching the perfection goal, you may not believe me but you are there already, you have the perfect houses, the perfect lives and the perfect relationships, you are the ones who are living life and making the most of every second, you are the ones laughing, loving, arguing and playing you are the agony aunt, the listener, the nurse maid, the friend not to mention the partner and the lover you are the cook, the handyman and the taxi driver but most of all you are a human being with real emotions and if this glove fits you better than the glove that we are being forced to wear then I would like to put you up on a billboard and print your life in a glossy magazine as this is what should be portrayed as perfection , real ‘perfect’ people with real ‘perfect’ lives.

As I sit...

drinking a coffee after my latest retail therapy trail around the endless shops I begin to question the people I have encountered, I mean I love good old fashioned values such as respect, manners and loyalty, I know when to use my P&Qs, I know when to say sorry and admit that I am wrong, I know that manners cost not a penny and that a smile can bridge a huge gap between people who are strangers, so why do I feel like the only person that was ever taught these basic principles of how to cohabit peacefully together in society and I know that isn’t strictly true, as the majority of you reading this will also have had the same principles instilled into you from a young age as myself, you do exist out there I’m sure, so why on a daily basis do I never come across you, why am I always face to face with those who have missed this early crash course in manners, and there are so many out there, how to do I communicate successfully with them ,well I generally give rude people a wide berth, I ignore the selfish and become despondent to the ignorant which is all well and good but I was raised to embrace everyone and their differences and my behaviour around these people is counter productive of those early teachings, so, do I stoop to their level and forget my manners or do I communicate with them in my own way and feel overly polite or that my behaviour is inappropriate, I wish I knew?
Maybe the old adage ‘ if you cant beat them join them’ would be very apt, but I don’t wish to join them , I want to stand tall and proud, I want to show my manners and my and say thank you with eye contact when I am in the shop, I don’t want to here a muffled mumble from the other being behind the counter whilst I stare at the top his head simply because he hasn’t got the thoughtfulness to actually look up, smile and make eye contact with me for taking my business to his store, it annoys me, its frustrating and then there is the shop assistant who heaves a sigh when a request is made and promptly answers with a “dunno”, I mean, my apologises, I thought you were here to assist, if its too much trouble, then don’t worry you carry on sitting there whilst I try and find another just as endearing team member to dispense the information I require.
Am I just expecting too much? Is it me? I know deep down it isn’t but I am waiting to be proved right, even in here I can here children demanding, a lady complaining and a man throwing insults, I want to stand up and scream to address everyone and ask them be polite to use their manners it appears that in our modern world these good old fashioned basics have been resigned only to the one place that I am beginning to wish that I had descended upon for my coffee, and in there at least I would have got a ‘have a nice day’, touché..

As I sit….
I know this sounds crazy but today I am genuinely happy, enlightened and feel that contacted fuzzy feeling you know that warm feeling that you get when you know that things are just so and all is well and safe in the world.
What has given me this feeling? Well I am sat in a somewhat chilly converted warehouse, I know not the most relaxing of places on the surface, drinking coffee from a plastic vending cup whilst sitting on what seems to be a very cheap bargain basement chair, surrounded by loud music (for the very young) and hoards of screaming kids, well not all are screaming most are laughing, shouting and generally having a great time, but you know what? This is the happiest moment of my entire week.
Inside a kiddies indoor play centre might not be everyone’s idea of a great way to spend three hours on a Saturday afternoon, I mean, lets face it, there are my favourite shops only five minutes drive away, all tempting me with their illuminated displays and well thought out collections and not to mention the temptation to go home and curl up on the sofa with a huge mug of hot chocolate whilst watching my favourite television addiction, but strangely, I wouldn’t swap where I am at this moment for any of that, why? Well, I am not to sure, but as I look around every single toddler, child and adult look contented with the world, all worries forgotten, if only for a few hours and we are all totally engrossed in the innocent freedom and safe playtime that these children have here.
I begin to ponder that it is such a crying shame our children can not play outside on the street without the threat of some sick, strange perverted individual lurking around the next corner and then if we keep them indoors , what then? We are slated and snubbed for not providing our children with a physically stimulating exercise programme, and god forbid if you mention Xbox or TV, the rise of these can only add to the pressure on us to get our kids out to play.
So we find ourselves here, in a somewhat strange modern day setting, this is almost like being in a bubble and the real world id awaiting outside but even if the outside is full of threats and terrible events waiting to grab our children as they happily play on their street at least we are safe, in here, we all feel happy in the knowledge that tonight they have played safe and will be exhausted enough to sleep even if our bank balances will be somewhat lighter due to the fact that children’s play, once a prerequisite of childhood is no longer free.
But, all in all, I take my hat off to these entrepreneurs who invented the indoor play centres, because even if I have spent a few quid here to enable my child to have his entitled safe play , it is actually far less than I would have parted with if I had gone to those god damn shops instead..

As I sit …..

looking through my window I notice the concrete world outside and I begin to take great pleasure in the two blossom trees that I can spy huddled in the brief gap of the buildings across the street, I wander with my thoughts, I’m in no rush to reel them in as I am content to leave the office and its fast paced environment for a few moments and take a step back to appreciate the beauty that the natural world offers us, the blossoms blowing gracefully around and pettles dancing away in the wind, there are birds circling and flowers blooming , the beauty of this world holds me for a moment for all this beauty is there for our enjoyment all delivered from a world in which we have found ourselves co habiting with natures designs, because we do simply co habit, we don’t own it, we have no proof of purchase or ownership certificates we have no title deeds or log books and we certainly haven’t married it, well maybe some have and my respect for the tree huggers of this world is immeasurable, I think that maybe these are the only people who could stake their claim on the land if mother nature ever tries to divorce us, the rest of us however simply have a rental agreement with her as we are simply her tenants on this glorious land , renting our space, living out our lives until it is time to move on to the great glorious spiritual plains on the next floor above us, maybe ..I ask myself that this is why this world is treated with so little respect from the majority, people cutting down rain forests, killing animals, building on our green landscapes and turning beautiful skylines into nothing more than sky scrapers, my conclusions differ and thoughts tumble through my mind but one thing is clear it is people know that this lavish land is not theirs and I believe that they are unable to respect and take responsibility for it as that deep down they are aware this belongs to someone else, their right , it does, and the owner is mother nature, our landlord , but surely she expects us to take pride in her portfolio of fabulous residences, who else would tolerate such disregard for their property who else would continue to let you reside in their space that they so carefully created, well I am thinking now and maybe she isn’t prepared to let us stay here rent free for much longer, after all, earthquakes, floods and hurricanes could very well be her way of evicting us, she may want ownership, we didn’t pay a bond!! We have nothing to claim back and even if we had there really is no way we could ever expect her to return it, we have wrecked her sitting rooms, polluted her water tank and trampled her gardens and unless we stop freeloading and start to rebuild the damage we have caused and pay our respects to her she may well see us all as homeless by the turn of the next century and what then, where will we go? Maybe we could look up those tree huggers and hope that they need a lodger.. or two

As I sit..
here watching the back of my lectures head as he scribbles on the board, the squeak of his dry wipe marker sending shivers down my spine, I am suddenly taken back 15 years to when I was in high school when the good old chalk and blackboard had exactly the same effect, I used to enjoy being board duster monitor and bashing them on the playground wall at break time, mostly in patterns that matched not the most pleasant words in the English dictionary, I guess had a mean streak back then, not now though, or I wouldn’t be here would I? trying to better myself but what am I doing here? Will I get the job I hope for, will I ever fall out of the cycle of education, promotion, more education, another promotion... I am still not where I want to be and yet I have been actually been where I wanted to be on many previous occasions, only, when I get there, I am hungry for more, so I find myself back here, watching the back of another tutors head, I should write my dissertation on the fundamental properties of the rear of tutors heads, I would get a FIRST.. Be top of the class.. But then again judging by the other students in this room I should be top of the class anyway, why oh why! I hear my inner voice say would anyone enrol on a course that they find so god damn uninteresting they continually week after week, fall asleep in the lectures, turn up with nothing more than a biro, come in half an hour late and leave half an hour early whilst popping out on four separate occasions to answer four separate annoying ring tones on their mobile or even decide that they already know the whole lecture of by heart and decide not to bother turning up at all, I mean, after all it is only the basis of their entire future, is it not? so do they enrol because they THINK it will be easier than work, do they enrol because mummy and daddy say they will give a huge walloping allowance if they go to college, I don't have the answer but what I do know is that I, the 32 year old student in the class, the one that is here every week religiously, the one that makes every assignment deadline and probably the only one in the class who sacrifices their Friday and Saturday nights out in favour of study is here to work, I know hard work means good rewards and I certainly do not know more than the lecturer, that is why I am here, watching the back of his head as he scribbles on the board, as he scribbles the information that I intend to commit to knowledge that will build me a better future, that will get me the job I long for until I get it and then find I want more...